If I hear “I am pregnant!” from one more person I swear!!! How many of you have that thought? I want to be happy for my friends and family and really I am, however it doesn’t stop the hurt and the envy. It is a loss. Now, I am grieving another loss. Let me start from the beginning…
My whole life I have struggled with “lady” issues. I had been on birth control since I was in 8th grade to help regulate my body, and for the most part it worked. When I got married in 2006, I decided to stop taking birth control and just four months after marriage I got pregnant! I am lucky to have a beautiful seven year old daughter.
When she was just a few weeks old I was rushed to the hospital with severe pain. I actually passed out in a store from the pain. They thought I had a blood infection from giving birth. They treated me with IV medications and sent me home after a week of being in the hospital. This was the beginning of my many issues. When my daughter was two years old we decided to REALLY try for baby number two.
I had not been on birth control since before my first pregnancy so I was a little worried when I didn’t get pregnant as easily as the first time. I started tracking my temperature, taking ovulation tests, etc… This lasted about six months. Then I had my first D&C. After that I was given clomid, the first of many medications I would try. I took it for over six cycles with no results. I then had my first laparoscopy. This is when I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS). I had many cysts removed from my ovaries, endometriosis removed, as well as other things that are not important.
The diagnosis of PCOS opened my eyes to many things and all of my past health issues started to make more sense. Many women that suffer infertility suffer from PCOS. (As a side note, if you suffer from PCOS, I highly recommend finding a support group. It is an endocrine disorder that leads to many other health issues.) So, after seeing a fertility specialist and spending more money than we had, and having another three surgeries it came to an end. Not only did the medications, hormones, and surgeries not help; in the end I ended up having a hysterectomy. So at the age of 31 I sit here currently healing physically from the surgery I had just three weeks ago. Mentally, it is still a long road.
While I truly am thankful for my miracle little girl, I still have a hole where another child should be. I always wanted to give my husband a son to follow in his wrestler footsteps. I wanted to give my daughter a sibling, my sister is my best friend and I couldn’t imagine life without her. It is not easy. I feel as if I am grieving the loss of someone, but it is someone I only knew. The worse feeling ever is the loss of hope. That loss of hope is what I am dealing with on a daily basis.
I do have a bit of advice to share. If you have a friend suffering from infertility after having a child don’t say “At least you have one.” This doesn’t help. The loss is still real and having this said to them, even when the intent is to be kind, is not at all helpful or consoling. I know I am lucky to have my daughter, but I also know my pain is real.
I want to finish with this thought. As women we need to stop judging each other and comparing our situations, but come together to support each other. I pray that you all find peace and hope in your situation.