I have two babies in heaven. Three on Earth. My second son was not quite 3 when my husband and I decided, “just one more.”
Getting pregnant was always easy for me. My mother-in-law joked that we would just think about it and bam! Baby.
After two easy successful pregnancies, I really had no reason to worry. But worry I did. I couldn’t explain it, but the moment I saw the positive test I felt a sense of gloom surrounding me.
Two weeks later I began spotting. I never bled once with my older kids so immediately I knew something was wrong. I went in for blood work and an ultrasound the next day. My HCG levels were low and the ultrasound tech couldn’t find an egg sac.
Just like that, my fears were confirmed. My body had already started the process. So I chose to let it go on its own. I was devastated. Every wipe of blood was a reminder my body had failed me.
Ten days later, I got a call from my OB. She had been taking my HCG levels to make sure my body was dispelling the pregnancy. They suddenly spiked after steadily declining. She feared it was ectopic and so after nearly two weeks, I had to endure a D&C.
It was like the nightmare wouldn’t end. In the midst of it all, a friend told me she was pregnant and due literally the day after my due date. I could barely speak. She didn’t know I’d miscarried yet.
Fast forward seven months. I had decided to work on my health. I lost 40lbs,was taking lots of vitamins, doing everything I could to make sure when we tried again I wouldn’t lose this baby. The first month in trying I was pregnant. I felt so good! I knew this time would be different. It was not.
I had another suspected ectopic (honestly my OB couldn’t explain what happened fully) and I endured another D&C. It was Halloween.
My faith was tested then. How could God let me suffer twice? What was I doing wrong? But questioning God got me nowhere. I realized, sometimes bad things just happen. We live in a world where bad things happen. My faith, family, and friends helped pull me through.
After some testing, my doc put me on Metformin and progesterone pills. I successfully conceived our third little boy, Liam. I now know why I had to wait. I was waiting for this child. This joyful, happy, funny, amazing little boy, who would not have been if circumstances were different.
I’ve helped several friends since my losses, to deal with their own, and for that I am grateful. It’s a sad club to be a member of. But I’m so thankful for all of my sisters in this journey.
There is so much more I could say. So many feelings I felt, so many awful things people said to me after my losses (at least they were early, maybe it was a boy and you need a girl, everything happens for a reason, blah blah, blah). But I don’t choose to focus on those things. Instead I choose to remember the good parts, the amazing love and support of God and my loved ones, and especially on my three amazing boys who keep me going every day. I am truly blessed!