Now I know I want to have children

To be honest, I have a hard time talking about my miscarriage for a different reason than you might think. While it was not a happy experience, the two overwhelming emotions I had both during and after my miscarriage are positive. Even during my miscarriage I did not talk to people who I knew who I knew had experienced one. I felt like my emotions were not negative or strong enough to effectively sympathize. I still feel this way at times when the subject comes up and I am questioned on it.

My first thought when I began to lose my child was: At least I got pregnant. The strong concern about infertility that enters into any couple’s mind when they decide they want to have children had now vanished. I have several friends who have dealt with infertility and still do. They have never even had a positive pregnancy test. So, while it was quickly not viable (I had a miscarriage very early on), at least we were capable of getting pregnant which was in doubt from the moment we started trying to have children. Though there was a delay, the hope that we could have a child outshined the loss.

My second strong emotion was: Now I know I want to have children. I was extremely hesitant to become a mom. My husband and I had been married for six years and he had promised me before marriage that it would be OK if I never wanted children. My heart had begun to change and he had started to feel ready, but still the idea of being a mom to someone, and adding all the responsibilities of parenthood to my life, really scared me. I had a hard time connecting with moms in conversation and could care less if I ever held a baby in my arms. Even though I was incredibly scared when I got a positive pregnancy test, more scared than I was excited, I was really sad to lose the baby. Then I realized why. I really wanted to be a mom and watch my husband enjoy being a dad.

These positive emotions from my miscarriage remain, but I know it is in large part due to the fact that I was able to get pregnant again and successfully deliver my little girl. If that was the only time I had been able to get pregnant successfully, those feelings would now have been replaced by some pain and despair. It is hard to understand what you would feel if any aspect of your life was different. Perhaps, because of the doubts I had about being a mom and not knowing what it is like to be a parent, I would have felt a bit of relief. There is no way to know.



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